Wednesday wonders: facing the fear

Last night I faced a fear; I felt ridiculous for how happy I was but my friend H said it was momentous and the husband gave me a big hug and told me how proud he was. What did I do?

I cooked a meal!

I told you it sounds ridiculous but I cannot remember the last time I cooked a meal by myself. I love cooking but I haven’t felt I’ve been able to and have been scared about doing it, even scared about going in to the kitchen.

Over the last few years there have been more times where I have dropped plates, or spilt drinks due to the epilepsy that I got to the point that I wouldn’t cook. I definitely think that there is some truth behind but that it was also a vicious cycle where I convinced myself I couldn’t and the more I didn’t the less confidence I had to even attempt it, and the more confident I was that I couldn’t go in to the kitchen.

The events of the last few years have not helped; having seizures where I have ended up in roads or severing my ear and even when it’s suggested by others that I am limited by my epilepsy that just builds on my own negativity and lack of confidence.

Yesterday morning I asked the husband if I could make him a pasta dish in the evening. I also asked if he would stand with me in the kitchen whilst I was making it. The thought came to me in the morning and I was able to ask him straight away. I think had he not been there I would have managed to talk myself out of it and come up with reasons why I couldn’t. However, I faced my fear of cutting and cooking and I embraced it head on.

As I’ve mentioned in numerous other blogs it’s going to take time and small steps. At least those small steps over time will mean I’m making more progress than not making the steps at all.

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