Masking myself

We have come to the end of term, and what a first term (in old timings) it has been. I think roller coaster doesn’t necessarily do it justice! BUT… after months of feeling incredibly low I have had a few weeks of feeling considerably better… the change has been noticeable to other people but most of all to myself. I have had more energy, I have wanted to go out with people, I have laughed more than I have in ages, and the husband (and others) have had to put up with incessant talking again!

So it came as bit of a shock when in the last few days of term there have been tears, and quite a lot of them, and I haven’t felt great. I wasn’t able to explain why, and I have to admit I was starting to get worried. If there was one thing I knew I did not want to go back to the place I’d been!

A message from E made me think, and then a couple of things confirmed that once again, she was right!

“Maybe you are much more tired than you realise”

Teachers are renowned for being exhausted at the ends of terms, but I wasn’t this term. I was feeling great. I was back to my usual self and I had energy. I seemed to be avoiding the throat problems and other illnesses (touch wood).

Or was I?

Yes I was feeling better, but I think, because I felt so much better I had put a mask on myself that I didn’t even realise! Because I felt so much better I hadn’t realised how end-of-term tired I was! But it should have come as no surprise at all… I had had 2 months of working day in day out when feeling utterly horrific and putting on the mask for everyone else, literally surviving each day as it came – that must have taken no end of energy out of me. Continuing to teach and keep up with necessities throughout all of this. My body has then had to go through the process of changing medications which took its toll with physical seizures as well as readjustments! Then I’ve had a month of feeling considerably better so using the energy that I had!

I had convinced myself that I was now invincible, and because I didn’t feel anywhere near as horrific as I had done in recent months, I didn’t realise I was so tired. I guess in the future, I will be used to being ‘normal’ Helen again that I will notice the dips.

Some good has come out of this experience though… I have always been someone prone to low moods. The way I knew I was so ill previously is because nothing would take me out of that mood, and they were short lived – couple of days at my worst. I even know that in the summer when the GCSE results came out the SLT at school thought ‘this will get Helen out of the dip’ – nope! Don’t get me wrong, I was so pleased with the results, but it wasn’t sufficient!

However, both times this week when the tears have come, I’ve had some quiet time, and then, almost with no warning I’m back to talking, and laughing again! I was close to leaving before our main end of term meal, but I didn’t need to and I ended up having a lovely time!

It feels so good to know that I don’t even need to try to drag myself out of low moods, but with a bit of time it will happen itself!

Now… to make sure I get some rest over the Christmas break to refuel ready for an awesome rest of the year!

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