I’m sitting on a train on my way back from a couple of nights in Brum with my mum. Reactions from people to me on this visit have made me realise I need to write a blog that has been on my mind for the last week.
What kind of reactions from people?
‘You’re looking much better’
‘You could tell the difference as soon as you walked in the door’
‘You seem to be back to yourself’
I was last in Birmingham 4 weeks ago and I think it is fair say that I was depressed. This will probably come as no shock to people who regularly read my blogs! This had been the case for months. I felt low most of the time, I was barely eating, I was crying at least daily, and I was struggling with any social aspect of life at all. I was surviving. I coped with my job but that was about it. Just before going to Brum 4 weeks ago I had seen my consultant, whilst we were there the husband had said a sentence which hit me in the heart like an arrow ‘I just want my wife back’.
That appointment was a Turing point. My consultant, after I broke down on him, agreed that I needed to come off one of my medications as this was causing the depression and the lack of appetite.
It’s important to note here, I had always been prone to low days, but I had always been able to do the social stuff on top and it had never lasted months like this had – which is why I was convinced it was the medication.
It’s been a bit of a rocky few weeks as I have been in the process of coming off one med and going on to another (therefore not fully on either and there may been some seizures and some twitching) BUT gradually I have seen and felt what I recognise as ‘me’ return – and it has been good!
I try not to focus too much on the past, and what I used to be, or what I’m going to be. I try, to live in the present. So, why so much joy and focus on the return of ‘me’?
I think what it is, is a comfort. It is like I have come home. In the same way as I walked into my parents house a couple of days ago and just felt at home. No airs and graces, no special effort, helping myself to drinks etc… it feels like that. I’ve had at least 6 months of everyday, if I had the energy, I had to put on a show to be vaguely human. Most days it was easier to hide, but even then I didn’t feel comfortable with me either.
So to now feel happy as ‘me’ and to want to think about the future and perhaps most shocking – meeting up with people is… well…like the biggest comfort blanket EVER!
I don’t think I am the same person I was before and I’m not trying to be – that’s possibly the greatest thing is that I’m not trying – BUT I really have learnt from the last year – what have I learnt
• I have been AMAZED by the support of so many people,
• I have learnt the importance of not trying to do anything in my own strength
• I have learnt the importance of not trying to overdo things and to stop or say no when needed
• I have learnt how important routine and work are for me
• Ihave learnt that this is yet another part of the journey, and I don’t think this stretch is even over yet!
• Continue to live in the moment and take each day as it comes whilst we still get the message finalised.
• Try not to overdo stuff just because I’m feeling better.
• Continue to be grateful for all my friends, family, and colleagues who have shown so much love and support.
• Continue to be grateful that I have been able to survive and work which, so easily, could not have been the case.
• Be grateful that it was caused by medication and we seem to be seeing an end – I know so many others for whom this is their life.
• Thank God for all of the above, and for being my constant source of strength, hope and love!
I’m looking forward to looking forward!