Fed up feeling lost

On the last Friday before the October holiday the entire school goes down to Canterbury Cathedral for the dedication service. I organise the service and it is one of my highlights of the year – it’s not lost on me what an absolute privilege it is to be able to worship in Canterbury Cathedral let alone be able to organise a service there.

Yesterday was different, and this is when I realised how ‘lost’ I am at the moment. The service happened, and I have been told by numerous people that it was a lovely service, but I couldn’t have told you that. I was there but I honestly don’t feel like I was there. People kept asking me questions about arrangements, things I’ve been sorting for years, and I didn’t know the answer. The head had to remind me that he and I usually walked in with the clergy – I’d completely forgotten! It’s not even as if it was an out of body experience.

There’s part of me thinking I should just be used to this now… but that’s it… I don’t want to be used to it. I still find I’m apologising to people for being seemingly rude – I often get told off for apologising, and not to worry. But I worry because it feels so alien to me and to the me that I expect.

I have seen my specialist this week, and medication is a changing. Hopefully this is going to have the necessary effect on other aspects of my life. On Friday whilst waiting at the cathedral I saw my spiritual director who works there some times, and as I was able to fill her in on my appointment she said “well I’m pleased to hear that, but you’re looking really well anyway’ to which I responded “it’s amazing what a dress and some lipstick can do, I’m also very good at putting on the show”. That’s what I’ve mastered this term at school, the show! Confidence and mastery and joy in front of the pupils… utter bemusement, loss, confusion, upset and often misery the rest of the time. Like the picture above, the public show is from a distance quite pretty, but up close and personal… a load of weeds that are being taken over!

Hopefully, with a break, and some new med changes some weeding may be able to take place and I may be able to find some focus again… Hopefully?

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