It could have been seen as a miracle. I had four days in a row when I was feeling OK, I’m not sure I’d go as far as to say they were good days, but they were OK. This is the longest period of time that I have been OK for in ages. What do I mean by OK? I wasn’t feeling constantly low, the tears weren’t coming for no apparent reason, and I was actively seeking out people to talk to and catch up with – not avoiding other adults like the plague!
BUT then the cloud came and covered over again, and the last 3 days have possibly been worse than previously. There have been two occasions, late at night, when I’ve turned down lifts because I couldn’t be with other people, I couldn’t be polite I just wanted to cry and scream and hoped a long walk home might allow me to get it out of my system.
E is most definitely a glass half full kinda lady, and this can get frustrating, but it does also rub off on me as well.
I want to be able to rejoice that I had a streak of 4 days of feeling OK, a break in the cloud. But now that I’m encompassed by the cloud again, that is what has taken over and I don’t seem to be able to see the light. A friend said that she was praying that I would move to ‘good’ days not just ‘ok’ ones. But at the moment I can only think that the OK ones were a freakish accident, and this current state is what it’s meant to be.
There’s also part of me that worries that if I focus on the streak of OK, either I will put pressure on myself to be like that all the time, or I will be desperately disappointed that I’m not.
I suppose the fact that I’m writing about it is rejoicing in some way, but for now, that is all it can be.