A couple of weeks ago I was asked ‘do you blame yourself or God for the situation you’re in?’ (The situation being ‘depression’) my answer was ‘neither’ and that’s the truth. I know that often people do. But I also know that I am likely to look back on this time and see what I have learnt from it, and see how it is part of my journey. The problem is that doesn’t really help when you’re living it. I know for me at the moment I am living day to day, and if I am invited to things my answer is often ‘I will have to see how I am on the day’.
For someone who likes a plan, day to day living is difficult, but is necessary. I may know what the theological response is, but it really isn’t helpful.
I have an army of women who I keep updated with how things are going in the good and the bad, and who I know pray for me on a regular basis. This week I received an email from one of those ladies saying something along the lines of ‘it is good to see there is progress, it may not seem like it, but there is’. Similarly I know that I can always rely on E to find the positive in ANYTHING, there’s glass half full and then there’s E – she’s on a whole new level!
At this point when I can only live day by day, step by step… where, although I may have a plan I also know that plan may have to change or, let’s face it, be cancelled last minute. I need those people who can see my world from the outside, without the cloud, fog, and confusion.
A favourite feel good film of mine is Prince of Egypt with the song ‘heavens eyes’ where Jethro is talking to Moses, who thinks he is unimportant and insignificant, but Jethro makes him realise that everyone has a purpose but he has to look at himself, and others through heavens eyes.
A few weeks ago E made me cry (nothing to write home about particularly at the moment) but the reason was because she told me that I was a child of God, and that I was beautiful, and made in his image (she did add that he probably was having a bit of a laugh when he created my brain). Why did this make me cry so much? These are things that I know, and believe, but needed to hear.
At the moment I cannot always trust my own judgement of how I am, it is rather skewed, and I am so so so grateful that I have people that I am able to see my life through the eyes of.