Comfort of the shadows

In my previous post I wrote about how the last few weeks (possibly longer) have been about Survival and one of my key survival mechanisms has been isolation. If I hide away from people then I don’t have to: explain what’s going on… go through the embarrassment of tears… try to be polite… expound energy on anything other than survival etc… so isolation it has been. Whether this was a particularly wise plan I am unsure but it was and, still is, a mechanism that I was putting into place!

A couple of days ago I was walking back home, the quickest route would have been through the town, but I chose to take the back route. Why… to avoid people. I was having a particularly vulnerable day, and had already forced myself to leave the house, so the back route it was. This back route involves some footpaths, as opposed to main roads. I have to say it was a joy to walk down these footpaths as they were covered with trees, and the shade was a delight. It was so tempting to just sit… in the cool and the shade… avoiding the excessive heat.

BUT… it wasn’t an option… in order to get home I had to leave the comfort of the shadow and head out into the sunlight and the heat. It was necessary.

This challenged me on the day, especially because of the bible reading that I listened to whilst walking earlier that day, and a talk I’d heard as well. But it has been on my mind since. Maybe for survival isolation was necessary, and possibly still is to a certain degree. But i can’t stay there, even if it is comfortable. I need to step out, maybe only for short bursts at a time, but if I don’t step out I’m not going to make any movement. Again I know it needs to be small steps but at least even small steps make movement.

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