Where I am…

I haven’t had a grand mal seizure (big scary full blown fit where I am likely to hurt myself) for over a month. Following the events of the 2018 it follows that I should be rejoicing and should be over the moon… and yet… over the last week or so it can safely be said that has not been the case.

I am still having petit mal seizures (absence type fits) which are manifesting themselves in different ways, and are literally (unfortunately I am using that word correctly) a daily occurrence. The thing about grand mal seizures is once they’re done, they’re done. I may need to sleep for about 24 hours and may need hospital treatment on various bones, and to eat soft food due to a bitten tongue but it’s happened, it’s over. With the petit mal that just isn’t the case and it’s starting to feel like it’s taking me over.

I’ve started to question pretty much everything that I am doing, because I do not trust myself or more importantly the functionality of my brain. This did work to my advantage when half my sermon hadn’t printed for church, but because I didn’t trust myself I’d emailed it to E the previous day so was able to get it up on my phone! On the whole though it is not a good place to be. My challenge is to work out how I get out of this ditch that I appear to be in.

However, I am surrounded by amazing people. I met with a colleague and friend the other day, I’d had a particularly bad morning, and was explaining what was going on in my head. She didn’t say a huge amount but she did help me to rationalise it all in my head. What really doesn’t help is the ridiculous expectations I have of myself! However, there are definite limitations on what I am able to do and achieve at the moment, and I need to accept that that is OK. I have heard at least two talks over the last week which have referred to the fact that we don’t have to do anything to please God, the love is unconditional and He meets us where we are.

At the moment I’m a bit of a physical mess, with risk of emotional breakdown, and at times feeling completely incapable and useless. I have to remind myself that actually, 1. the majority of the time I am doing a good job.

2. I have to look after myself, otherwise I am of no use to anyone

3. I’ve had blips with the epilepsy before and come through, this is probably just one of those as opposed to a life-altering event which I seem to have turned it in to

4. It doesn’t matter what state I am in, or how my brain is working, I am loved and God has come to me to wrap his arms around me and hold me in his embrace.

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