Survival

Survival is a word I’ve used a lot over the last few months…why? Well because that is what I feel I have been doing for the entirety of 2018 so far… SURVIVING. Having spoken to a few people over the last few days I am aware that this is very much my own perception of my life, but still… it is my perception that in 2018 so far, I have survived.

What do I mean by this? Well I don’t feel that I have accomplished anything, succeeded at anything, achieved anything. I have gone to work, done what I’ve needed to do, and come home.

Before I get bombarded by lectures from people, I am also very aware that this is in comparison to accomplishments that I have made over the last few years, with weight loss, running, general health successes. AND if I were to compare the last few months with my life 4 years ago, I’d probably be amazed at what I was doing! But for the Helen of recent years it is definitely just a feeling of survival. So I felt the necessity to look up the definition…

“the state or fact of continuing to live or exist, typically in spite of an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstances.”

Now that makes more sense… I think we can safely say that 2018 has consisted of difficult circumstances for me, and yet despite some people trying to stop me the one thing I have tried to do is continue to live. Survival for me was being determined to not let the epilepsy take over. I may not have been able to flourish, or grow (although my clothes may say something different) but I have been in a state of continuing to live and exist.

A friend told me today that they know many who have given in and taken time off for much less, so what is it that has made me want to survive, and enabled me to do so?

I think the life style changes of previous years have really had a lasting effect on me.

I can be a right stubborn wotsit and I was so frustrated by my brain that I was determined not to let it take over my life!

E has been a literal daily dose of whatever was required… listening ear, encouragement, support, fellow frustration, words of wisdom

I love my job, and it brings me joy when I am struggling

I am surrounded by the most awesome people in all areas of my life who support me in numerous ways, and without whom I’m not sure survival would have been possible!

There will be times when we grow, thrive, flourish. There will be times when survival is what we have to work for. I have said numerous times ‘ALL I’ve done is survive” when actually I need to realise what an achievement that is.

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