This afternoon I was leading the collective worship at school (taking assembly). My brain continues to be playing up at the moment, and it was on fire whilst I was up front on stage ahead of the school. I would be speaking and suddenly I was aware that I was no longer speaking, I would apologise and then carry on. This happened numerous times throughout the talk, I would describe myself as ‘twitching like a trooper’, and I was very aware of the effect this had on my talk. The frustration was finding itself to the surface, which was also having an effect.

HOWEVER… when I shared my frustration with colleagues after, saying ‘that’s what I’m like all the time – blanking out’ they didn’t seem to be aware of what I was talking about. Apparently it was just like I was spending some time reflecting, pausing to allow the pupils to think about the message I was giving.

This made me wonder whether I’m actually in as much of a mess as I think I am. Is my awareness actually more of an overreaction than the reality. If so, then why? I guess it is because for me, it is ‘every day’ ‘all the time’ ‘my life’ therefore it probably stands out, and makes an impact, whereas for others it’s just normality, just ‘Helen’.

Is this always the case? Are we always more aware of ourselves and how things affect us? Should we try to figure out the ‘reality’ more? Does it actually matter? I’m not sure I’m expecting an answer really, I just found it bizarrely amusing that the one thing I was SO aware about, no one else seemed to notice at all. How aware are you?

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