Clearing without control

I received an email from a friend today making comment about getting lost in the grey gloom of the weather today. If I’m honest I wasn’t really sure what she was referring to, it was dark when I left for work and dark by the time I received the email, and I hadn’t really been out all day.

However, the grey gloom is reminiscent of the state of my brain over the last week. I’m not sure if it’s related to my various other illnesses but the electrics in my brain have been playing up rather significantly. This, along with additional medication has left me in a grey, gloom, foggy kind of state. Often confused, struggling to hold conversations, drowsy and physically twitchy. Not great!

Saturday was the first day that I felt the most ‘Helen’ that I have felt for some time, and colleagues noticed that I was more ‘myself’ today than last week when we returned to work. So things seem to be clearing, but there is definitely still a sense of grey gloom, and foggy confusion that starts to take over at some point most days.

As many regular readers will know I like to be in control, and that, more than the state of my brain has been the thing causing me most anxiety. I’ve got no idea what is causing it, I have no clue whether it is temporary or whether we are going to have consider medication changes again, I’ve got no idea when the fog is going to come in, or if it is going to clear. I know to avoid flashing lights because I know that is a trigger. I now to take my medication. I know to get plenty of sleep as lack of sleep is a trigger. I also know to try to keep stress levels down (she laughs as she thinks of the workload). But when I don’t now what the cause is I don’t now how to control it – again not great for the stress levels.

However, my friend talking abut the grey gloom, and my Bible reading from this morning about not worrying has helped me to vaguely put it all in some form of perspective.

We have no control over the weather. We can prepare for what is forecast, and some may prepare for what isn’t forecast just in case, and then we just respond to what is happening. When it is foggy we walk carefully, slowly, looking just ahead until we reach our destination or until it clears.

At this point in time I need to be living in the present. Making sure I have my additional medication available should it be required. Making sure others know of the state of my brain at the moment. Focussing on what needs to be done at this time, and taking advantage of the clearances to be able to get ahead.

I know it all in theory… I’m hoping by writing it down I might be able to put it in to practice tomorrow!

Here’s hoping!

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