It’s been a rollercoaster of a week – well that’s a lie – it’s been a pretty rubbish week. There’s been a lot going on and it’s been tough. The emotions have been running havoc, with a lot of tears, despair, and anger.
I didn’t like the way in which I was responding, or where it seemed to be heading, I knew what I needed to do… something was stopping me… but fortunately E was on the same wavelength and told me what I needed to do as well.
Yesterday I went to see my counsellor. I started to see him last year when I was suffering from anxiety. I have gone through times of seeing him regularly, times of avoiding seeing him, and a couple of months ago he said he didn’t think I needed to see him again but was always willing to – he also said that I didn’t need to wait for the fire!
Last night I laughed at home, this morning I woke with a smile on my face, both of these are a first time occurrence this week. Why?
Because I now feel more able to cope with what’s being thrown at me. I could see tell-tale signs of the route I seemed to be taking, I could only think back to last year, I didn’t want to go there I had to put in some prevention.
By speaking through what was going on, and the thought processes that were happening I was able to see glimmers of light, words of hope, perspective. There is no quick fix, that’s fine, but I am in a position to deal with it.
It also helped that he told me I was looking great and had a fantastic energy about me – as he pointed out very different to last year, and even a few months ago. Once again, giving me the confidence to face what is to come.
We often say that hindsight is a wonderful thing, but that is only if we are willing to take that hindsight to prevent similar things from happening again. E, being a nurse, will always say prevention is better than cure, and in this case that is definitely true. When I saw my counsellor for the first time last year I was seeing him weekly, it was tough and traumatic at times. Yesterday was a one-off to prevent the need for that again.
For weeks now I have been saying that I feel like my head is just above the water but I’m not drowning. This was probably the time when I should have made the appointment. This week started off with a survival list. That wording set the tone for my week, I was going to survive – not a great aim. So often we power on through because we feel we have to. When actually, there is more strength in stopping, and taking account, doing what needs to be done, to be able to do more than just surviving.
Next time my brain says I need to check in with the counsellor I’m going to listen to it rather than thinking ‘it’s all fine, I don’t need to’ – I’m not going to wait for the fire, I’m not going to wait for E.
We can’t prevent everything, there will always be things that we could not see coming. It was one of those things that sent me close to the edge this week but maybe next time I can prevent the tears, and anger completely…. that may be wishful thinking but hey there’s nothing wrong with a bit of hope!