The husband and I have just arrived back from a week in the Midlands. This involved time with family, time on our own, and time at a wedding. There were a lot of trains and I had all the tickets, and the information, the hotel booking etc… there was one evening when we thought we’d go and have a look at an event we’d heard about. So we both turned to our phones his said it would be 14 minutes but he knew where we going, and mine said 28 minutes and I would have to keep looking at the directions. He was sure and said it wouldn’t take long…. about 35 minutes later we arrived! Essentially we discovered that he’d looked at the map and thought the canal was a river which would be where a riverside festival would be taking place, whereas I’d put in the actual address!

A couple of weeks ago we were sitting on a bus (my summer holidays often involve a lot of public transport) we were going to friends in the evening and the husband said “I know you’ve already told me but… what time are we going around tonight?”!!!! I hadn’t actually told him, but he knows me very well.

It will come as no shock to those of you who know me that I like to know what is happening. I’m not sure I would go as far as to say I am a control freak but I like to know what is happening. What times are things happening? What is the plan? What should I be expecting? I always get in there first to organise my own birthday. 

Whilst we were away the husband said two things that have stuck with me 1. After the directions incident “I should trusted you, you’re always right with this kind of thing” 2. “I’m glad you persevere with this, if I’d seen where this wedding was I’m not sure I would have bothered”  personally I didn’t see it as pereseverance, I just saw it as a matter of organisation!

After my anxiety experience before Christmas I went back to work with a promise of ‘just doing my job’ by this I meant that I’d stop doing all the extra things I used to do. In my head this also included asking questions about things that were happening because that wasn’t my job and it’s stuff that I should have been told. 

Although this started off as a ‘freeing’ experience, the more I think about it the more I realise I have made my life harder. A side effect of me asking questions was that people may get reminded about things and that other members of staff would often ask me what was going on. BUT those were really just the side effects. The real reason I did it was so that I knew what was going on, it gave me a peace of mind and allowed me to get on with what I needed to do.

I’ve grown up in quite an organised house, each day in the holidays we would have plans – we had a lot of fun but we knew what fun we were going to have. Living in Birmingham and having friends from all over the city we would meet each other and we didn’t have molbile phones! So we would arrange when and where to meet and we would be there.

Don’t get me wrong, I know things can go wrong and that nothing is ever as smooth as we hope. I know that plans change, and that on the bigger picture there are things which are completely out of my control. This is where belief in God can sometimes not be great for me – being told and believing God has a plan but not knowing what the plan is – eek!

However, in order for me to enjoy and not endure, I think I can safely say that I need to know what I can know… so I am going to go back to incessantly asking questions! Maybe I needed to choose not to, to know how necessary it was for me, or maybe it was just a stupid idea! All I know is that this is me…