The elephant in the room

About two years ago I started writing this blog in response to people asking about how I had lost weight, and my lifestyle changes. However I am aware that recently I have gone away from that, and the focus has been different. It has felt that this year has been more about endurance than enjoyment. It’s time to address that…

My clothes are getting tighter… In fact with some items that dance has to be done… you know the one where you have jiggle to get over lumps and bumps. There is more wobbling… and any gap that may have been developing between my thighs has well and truly gone.

Why? 

I could blame it on the rubbishness of this year… I could blame it on the anxiety… I could blame it on the stress from work… I could blame it on the virus… I definitely couldn’t blame it on the boogie (sorry I couldn’t resist).

Or I could talk about the elephant in the room, call a spade a spade and blame it on me. I have put on over two stone in the last year.

When I was growing up I would take biscuits from the tin and I would hide them under my pillow and eat them throughout the nightwhen I started secondary school everyday go to the shop and buy the most ridiculous amount of crisps chocolate and sweets. I would hide these in my bag and eat them supposedly on the sly even though I didn’t know anyone on the bus anyway! It was no surprise at all that I was over 19 stone. But people didn’t necessarily understand because in public I would often not finish meals… little did they know that this was because I had eaten so much rubbish!

Why are my clothes tight? I’ve been eating! It’s not rocket science. A lot of the time, again, this has been in secret. On my way home from work I will stop off and I will buy rubbish, and I will consume it. I will blame it on a bad day, even though I know that although it may bring a momentary pleasure it won’t last, and I will feel worse for having done it. I haven’t been running regularly, again, finding excuses. In public I’m still walking, eating my salads for lunch, talking abut running etc… but in truth I have essentially become addicted to sugar again – or at least the momentary comfort. I can honestly say If I hadn’t still been walking to work I dread to think what size I would have become.

I’ve never had family or friends talk to me about my weight (when I was considerably larger) and I was never teased about it. Similarly now, no one has commented on the fact that I have put weight on. For the last few months E has got regular messages saying ‘right… this is it… I’m going to do this… it’s time to get serious’ and she has always encouraged me. But she knows more than anyone that the only one who can do it is me. 

Today I sat down and cried on the husband, his response “I don’t know if you want me to respond or not”. Bless! But we chatted it through, and he knows that I want to do this, and therefore knows he needs to be stricter with me when I ask for sweet things or suggest take always – but through me addressing it he also has permission to do so (I promise he’s not as scared of me as it sounds)

Why today? I’m not sure, but I know that I felt a lot better in every sense when I was enjoying rather than enduring life. I miss that energy. After the chat with the husband I went for a run. It was tipping it down with rain. I was using an app with a specified interval route, I’d used it on Saturday but had walked a lot of it. Today I ran all the bits I was meant to run and I felt so much better for it. 

Something has clicked. I’ve addressed the elephant in the room (me).

By opening up to the husband I am allowing him to hold me to account – especially in the food and exercise department!

So here I am… telling you… I need to start enjoying life again! If that involves weight loss and comfortable clothing then that will be a happy result but I want to focus more on the enjoyment and the lifestyle. I know there will be lows, but they are no longer going to be the focus unless they are a route to a high! Please friends feel free to hold me to account! 

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