WordPress informs me that it is 11 days since my last post, which means it is 10 days since my last seizures – I still hate that the count is back down to days again! But as promised in my last post I have well and truly stopped. My sofa has a me shaped indent on it, and my Fitbit step count is pitiful with no day going above 5000 steps and those days mainly being days when I’ve had to walk to a hospital, pharmacy, or dr!
I am definitely making progress but the fatigue is still playing an active part.
My time has mainly been taken up with sleeping, cross stitch and complete and utter trash TV, which have meant that my brain has been switched off. But there has also been thinking time, especially in the recent more awake days. I have been thinking about protection. Although there is nothing you can do about a virus, I need to work out how I can protect myself as I return to normality (although that is not a word I’d readily associate with myself or my situation at the moment).
The protection I have been using over the last 10 days (feels longer) has been hiding away, stopping, sleeping, resting… necessary for this time.
When I was a teenager I remember a book that my English teacher suggested we read, which was called the boy in the bubble. Essentially a teenage boy who was allergic to everything so had to live in a bubble, this meant he was kept away from everyone and everything. Understandably his parents were overprotective and were sceptical about him getting to know any other people.
I have had to be in a bubble, and may have to have it ready to get back in to. It has beeen necessary to shut myself away. I am grateful for those friends around me who have kept in touch, been to visit, and told me off if they have felt I have been doing too much.
The temptation though is to stay in the Bubble. After all, when in the bubble I am protected from dealing with things. Issues that I am struggling with, emotions that are taking over, brain electrics that still aren’t working very well. The bubble is safe, but the bubble is restrictive.
A teenage girl discovered the boy in the bubble, as he was her neighbour and she was full of intrigue, and she made it her mission to get to know him. She had to get past the over protective parents, but she managed it. Obviously with this being teenagers, romance ensued. This relationship challenged the boy on whether he was living his life or not. Eventually they found a way in which he could travel to the local school to build relationships with others his age, and eventually taking the biggest risk of physically making contact with the girl.
Although my bubble has been very physical for the last 11 days, I have been in a spiritual one for much longer. Everything seemed to have all been going well, so I switched off, but then things were tougher and if completely honest I found it easier to stay switched off.
Over the last couple of weeks I have been nudged to get in touch with a couple of different people who have challenged me on various aspects of my life. Mostly getting prepared for what God has in store.
Last time I truly stopped and took the time to listen to God my life changed beyond recognition. So much so that people who have only been in my life the last couple of years do not recognise the ‘me’ of years past. I’m scared… I’m lost… but I need to break the bubble.
This is usually where I would start running up a mountain on a crazy project, but I’ve seen where that has left me before, completely wiped out having missed the journey. So rather than bursting the bubble I am going to build up my protection first. The thing about armour is that allows you to move, go on the journey, but takes a lot of the knocks (not all but some).
- Prayer – there are a group of friends who have received a VERY honest email from me, they are supporting me in prayer. By sharing, the burden truly was lighter and easier to face
- Time – I am taking the time with God, by building up my relationship with Him I will have more confidence and strength to take the risks later
- Health – my lifestyle has slipped, I’m not sure whether it is because of the physical and mental health issues or whether those issues are because of the lifestyle slip. Either way I’m in a vicious circle that needs to be broken
- Relationships – these have changed over the last year and I’m not quite sure how or why, but I need to make sure that I am surrounded by people who make me a stronger me
- Good old Ephesians 6 armour!
- Enjoying not enduring – everything seems to be a battle at the moment, and I am not enjoying things. I can’t afford to change the blog title so I guess I’d better read some of my own advice! Plus even tough things seemed manageable when there was a smile and a laugh involved. I do miss laughing!
I currently do not have the strength to fight whatever it is that faces me, or take the risks that I need to take, but I recognise that it is something that I need to prepare for. I would be foolish if I didn’t take the time to protect myself as much as possible before embarking upon the next stage of my journey. I know the protection doesn’t necessarily mean it will be easy, and that I won’t get hurt, but it does mean that we will be able to achieve more than if I was to hide away or head it to the battlefield unprotected and on my own.
Are you ready to join me?