Yesterday was a RUBBISH day. I felt like I was on the brink of tears all day. E was getting horrific texts from me all day, trying to coax and encourage, with the odd harshness thrown into to try and kick start me. I was a mess, I felt like all aspects of my life were just rubbish. There wasn’t really any trigger, it was just a sense of hopelessness and worthlessness. It probably has a lot to do with exhaustion, after all it’s nearly half term, but as I said in my last post, I’m not sure how much I’ve accomplished since returning, other than surviving. The last time I felt like this… well, let’s not go there. But I was worried, I didn’t want to return to that place. This in turn caused more anxiety!
This morning, I was better, still not great, or even good, but better. I am unashamedly going to out that down to prayer. I knew that some of my friends were praying for me, and that I had prayed and there was an answer. But… still not in a good place mind wise at all.
But tonight… well I’m feeling pretty great a the husband didn’t really know what had hit him. I didn’t actually hit him! Last night I barely spoke at all, I left the house this morning to him saying “hope you have a good day” and me saying “I doubt it” to then me going home this evening virtually hyper!
So what happened?
In September 2015, I started to explore my vocation. Every Tuesday I would end up in tears torn between teaching and ordination. It was traumatic, but one of the most valuable experiences I have ever had. The evening consists of two parts, looking at biblical character and listening to the story of a mystery guest.
I was invited back to be a mystery guest and to tell my story. I went last week to suss out the group, and remind myself of the format. We sat there last week listening to the mystery guest, mouths open listening to this amazing story of someone who had been homeless, was now working with the homeless, and was part of a monastic tradition. I went away thinking, “my story is not going to sound any good.” Then this evening the group were still talking about the previous mystery guest. There was pressure mounting.
We looked at the Bible character – Mary – which happened to be the one that we were looking at in my breakthrough week. Then it was my turn. I told my story from childhood through to today. I may not have been homeless, or heard God talking to me in a rave, or choosing to live on minimum amounts. But…
Wow! What a story! It’s so easy to get caught up in the day to day. To focus on what’s going wrong. But sometimes, when we look at the whole story we can see where we’ve come from, where we’ve arrived at what we’ve gone through.
Those exploring their vocation found my story helpful. But actually, I benefitted from it as well. Yesterday was rubbish because I was in the moment, and I couldn’t see a way out. Today I saw the bigger picture, I saw where I’d come from, what I’d gone through, and that actually if I’ve got through some of that other stuff I can get through the next bit of the journey!
The question is what’s next… it would be boring if we knew the answer… wouldn’t it?