This blog has been a long time in the thinking, so apologies for any rambling! On Friday it was a tough day at work, for various reasons, I was close to tears at times. In fact on my way home from work I bumped into a couple of friends and nearly broke down on them. The melt down actually happened Saturday morning, with washing, baking, sermon writing, shopping… Everything had got on top of me, and I couldn’t see a way out, but somehow it all happened. I baked a couple of cakes for an event at church – and they were nice cakes as well. I had a lovely time at the event at church. I managed to write two sermons. I went on a spice girls hen do as scary spice. I preached two sermons (and I think they went well). And I got other school work done as well.

I can’t remember what the original post was going to be about but this morning I had a revelation. I was listening to my prayer podcast on my way to work, and it was the passage from Matthew 5 about loving your enemies. When i first heard the easing I thought”oh this one again” but then I was challenged, as I remembered the original point I was going to make in my post. A lot of that meltdown at the weekend was avoidable, I signed up to preach two different sermons, I offered to bake cakes when I could have bought them. I could have chickened out of the hen do. A lot of the time I am my own worst enemy. I have high expectations of myself, and will oft think that I am invincible.

When we are told to love our enemy, and those who persecute you – we don’t think that that often applies to us. Do we actually love ourselves? Not in a selfish way, but in a caring for ourselves/looking out for ourselves way? Do we love the part of us that puts that pressure on ourselves – that makes us want to do our best – or do we criticise ourselves for being harsh?

It’s such a fine line. I am excellent at telling the husband to focus on one thing, and telling him to look after himself. But don’t take that advice myself. Similarly if I see someone struggling I will ask if there is anything I can do, when actually by helping I can be taking myself away from tasks I need to do – which then leads to tension and anxiety.

I have no solution, just an observation. The bible passage spoke about being perfect in the way that God  our father is perfect. The word can actually be translated as complete. None of us are perfect but we can be complete. When it talks of God being complete it means God loves everyone without exception. We should show love in the same way, but that must include ourselves as well. What use are we to anyone if we don’t look after ourselves.

My life at the moment seems to be an unending list of things to be done, but none of them are jobs that can be ticked off, they are all long term. They are going to involve a lot of organisation, a lot changes, a lot of people. I am very much entering the unknown and I am scared as anything. BUT I am complete, and I must remember that I cannot do any of it, if I don’t take the time to think of me. 

Therefore I will say goodnight, and get some sleep – tomorrow is a day I have been dreading but will face complete and hopefully rested.