All of these are words which I have heard describe me over the last week. Some to my face, some from others, and some from the wonder that is facebook analyzing my profile and telling me about myself.
The fact that I’ve remembered them all shows how much they have actually impacted me, and I know for sure that although I don’t necessarily see those things about myself, I start to believe them. Well… that’s a lie (SO, I’M CLEARLY NOT HONEST!) I brush off the ones which are positive, and really focus on the not so positive ones. So much so that I have started to create an identity for myself around them. I’m also constantly questioning the husband to check that he doesn’t think that I am those things. ALTHOUGH obviously he is wise enough not to say if he did!!!!!
Another thing that happened this week was that facebook decided it cared for me and wanted to share my memories with me. It shared this memory from 5 years ago
I’ve got no idea what the memory is actually from. I also had to do a double take as I almost didn’t recognise myself. I’ve had some interesting comments from people over the photo. Whereas I was horrified by it, others were saying it must feel good to know how far you’ve come. – I think that says a lot more about my mind set at the moment though than anything else.
All of this has got me questioning who am I? I think it’s quite scary that other people’s perceptions of us, and of the world have such an impact on our perceptions of ourselves and of the world.
I started to get all deep and meaningful about it, but when I was out running tonight, I suddenly clicked. The one thing I have said all along on this journey is that it was never for anyone else, or that I was forced into it by anyone else. In fact I still hold to the fact that no lifestyle change is going to happen SUCCESSFULLY and be EMBEDDED unless it is a personal choice.
I’ve got to take that through my entire life. I am always telling pupils not to worry about what other people say about them. It’s about time I take some of my own advice. I need to be confident in who I am, and not worry what other people’s perceptions are – afterall that is what they are – perceptions.
So… who am I? I am Helen, I am broken and not perfect, but I am Helen, and I am a child of God, loved by God. As long as I remember that, I’ll be good!