On Wednesday one of my pupils was staring out the window. I asked them to pay attention and they said “but miss it’s so foggy – it’s like Hogwarts”! I looked out and it was very foggy, although I couldn’t see the link with Hogwarts – I don’t normally associate the two. I can normally see Canterbury cathedral from my room, but I couldn’t really see the field.
Tonight I went for a run and the sky was so clear, the Stars were fantastic. It was beautiful.
This felt like a summary of my life. I didn’t realise it but I was in a fog. I didn’t really know who I was, where I belonged, what I was doing, I couldn’t see what the future held. I felt like I was living day by day. I was in the fog for some time. But you know what it’s like in the fog, where you are is absolutely fine, it’s just that you can’t see in the distance. I guess that’s where I was. I was absolutely fine where I was, in my own little world, and that’s what it was – my own, selfish, world.
But in the last 18 months I seem to have come out of that fog. As I said I didn’t realise I was in a fog, and I didn’t feel like I did do anything to get rid of the fog, it just seemed to dissipate (the husband informs me that’s the correct word). But now things are clear. I know that I am meant to be at my current church, and I know that I am meant to be a teacher, and I know I am meant to continue to look after my body.
Since I have had this clarity in my whole life, my confidence has grown. I know who I am and that I am meant to be where I am. I also know that God has incredible things in store. I have noticed the confidence change in numerous ways
- I make decisions, rather than asking lots of people to get confirmation
- I trust my own ideas
- I run, in public
- I talk about difficulties
- I confront problems
- I buy clothes that compliment me
As I was running under the stars I was wondering why I felt there was a link between the two. This made me think of my job, and when we look at original philosophical/theological texts. I ask pupils what they think it means, they look blank, we go through, I summarise and suddenly it clicks. They just need clarity, once the ideas are clear in their heads they are confident in their knowledge.
We all go through foggy times, mine just seemed to last for rather a long time. It dissipated through a few simple changes and has taken a long time to go completely. But I honestly do feel I can now see clearly, and now I am confident in who I am and what God wants me to do and has in store for me. Bring it on!